Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
