she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
