There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
