I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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