did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
