the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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