So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
