dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
We smell like vodka and hangover
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