It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
