You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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