Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
