I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
