My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
