so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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