I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
