Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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