you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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