Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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