Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
