I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
