No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
