You can't special order awesome
Welp...herpes.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Randomize
