I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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