You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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