I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
