i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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