I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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