You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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