3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
