it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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