thus making me awesome and them whores
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
