This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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