I got chris browned last night
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
