Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
