Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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