i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
