he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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