i think my mom watched the whole time
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
