i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
