Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize