I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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