thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
