people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
