I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
