I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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