I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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