Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
