She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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