2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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