i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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