tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
