Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
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She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
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if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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