ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She told me I should be a condom model.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize