no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
