He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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