So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
