The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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